A part of me just died.

i was feeling really upset/furious over that particular sms.
and i think i've just reached my ultimatum.
twist of fate, it's now my turn to disappear.
and honestly, i dont know if i'll be back.

i just feel i cant forgive your insensitivity.
even if i managed, maybe i would live in the haunting shadows of today.
can i really continue to trust?
cuz i doubt i can overlook the details anymore.

might as well.
since we arent really on talking terms lately.
different frequencies now i guess, lets cut our act.
who knows, perhaps we'll all be better off.

the old sayings were right.
we should face the problem when it arises and not pretend nothing had happened.
when we overlook the magnitude of the problems, these every little bits accumulate and snowball,
and all it takes is just one minor insensitivity,
and we are done...

i dont know what else to say.
a part of me just died.

Cave-out

Today is a day worth rejoicing.
All it takes is just one sms....
"sorry about my disappearance, i will be back"
No, i didnt ask for the reason, neither did i complain.
*thinks he's secretly reading my blog somewhere* Lol.
Anyway, it feels great!

when we stop asking why, we get the answers
People are pretty much right about the kite theory, cross-referencing to relationships.
when we hold on too tight, the line gets cut off.
when we hold on too loose, the kite gets blown away by the wind.
we need to learn when to draw it close and when to set it loose.


when we quit trying, we get what we want
there's another thing to learn about "caves" --> if you had read john gray's book.
understanding the cycle, not taking it personal while keeping yourself occupied and embrace them once again when they step out of the cave.
the crux lies in how to shorten the "cave in" period.

yes, i secretly wished i know the trick to all of the above.

i love this other side.

everything's not lost

i think i've hanging out with the wrong gang...
i'm kinda retarded these days.
i need new friends.
LOL
*just kidding!*

gotten man ning and kosin's smses this morning to ask if i was at the orientation today.
and i hadda admit, i thought yesterday was for uol and rmit for today.
got it mixed up =x
and oh, did i say that Liting (PHS) and Joyce (PHS) are joining sim too?
like wow, it's going to turn out to be a mini phs gathering there.
but again, since kosin and i werent exactly much acquaintances with them, so i guess life in sim just goes on normal for me.
and oh, i think i should intro man ning to kosin and vice versa...
so they can meet for lectures.
=)

wondering why is LKW so free to dig up old photos in phs and TAGGING me.
*omg*
excuse me while i go untag myself.
Lol.
talking about LKW.. i haven seen him in the last 2 years.

28more days to holidays ^^
*cant wait for school to start*
particularly so, now that man ning and kosin are in sim ^^

and oh yes, sip@sim is now 200 members strong in strength.
we'll have a fun-filled time (at least in my term of service)
and oh, i've heard eujene came along to help out today.
that explains the numbers on the contact list.
by crook, by hook or by his charm...
Lol.

lets bade a farewell with lasting memories
good memories of us in my heart
lasting impression of me in yours
everything else is God's will.

weekends and holidays will never be the same without you.

but i'm glad my timetable for solitary days are well-planned for.

and i'm truly grateful that everything's not lost, for friends will take your place.

dedication

had a conv with a friend, and i'm just overwhelmed with personal thoughts so i dropped by again.

i've been thinking about how people used the word "trust" as an excuse to get more personal freedom despite being in a relationship.
the personal freedom to go on single dates with friends of the opposite gender.
its just kinda hard to balance a relationship with a closely-knitted social life.
we can never have the best of two worlds,
there are always some sacrifices we need to make in order to receive.
Lets just not get borthered by these sacrifices, and see the sacrifices as long-term investments.
returns are uncertain, turbulences and repercussions.
but we will only let prices fall that much before we throw all out back to the market.
and we will never let the prices fall to rock-bottom before action is taken.
hence, its seemingly impossible to lose everything.
nice thought.
optimistic enough.

whatever

My holidays are ending soon.
six days more to working life.
corporate wear makes a re-appearance in the closet
and i'm feeling really down down down.
lets hope for good pay, good commission rates and less stress this time.
which is highly unlikely, impossible to be exact

Nevertheless, i hope we can all plan for more after-work activities.
you know, timbre, pool, kbox, dinner, movies, etc.
for now, LETS WORK HARD TO FUND FOR ENTERTAINMENT

i should really go get my guitar this week (by myself)
It really sucks to be dependent on people.
I mean, when you offered to lend a helping hand in the choosing process, you jolly well keep that promise
i'm really tired of you asking for reminders and personally i feel you are making me look desperate.
you jolly well know that i hate feeling like this.
and you know i wouldnt have to ask anyone if i am fully capable of choosing a good one.
so for these days, lets keep a distance.

maybe you were plain forgetful.
maybe i didnt deserve one of your weekends.
maybe i'm oversensitive.
whatever.

Post Exam Activity Five - Desperate Housewives Season Five.

i'm running out of time
i should go visit Da Vinci Exhibition tomorrow.
i should go watch Angels & Demons
I should go re-watch Night at The Museum 2
I should register for gym classes
i should go sign up for guitar class
i should go for guitar tryout
i should reset the biological clock
i should take back my corporate wear from my sis's wardrobe.

i guess i'm not ready for work.

post-exam activity one - shopping alone on a weekend

Post-Exam Activity ONE

Went shopping @ Plaza Sing today.
Alone.
And why is everyone so shocked at my random-ness? haha
It wasnt as lonely as i thought i would be.
i survived shopping alone on a crowded weekend.

Okay, maybe i wasnt totally alone.
there are still people who msges, who calls.

So the question is why did i go shopping alone?

i always say i want to experience shopping alone on a crowded weekend.
well, thats the truth... not totally.
the thing is i woke up this morning at my usual time of 7am, and couldnt forget what happened last night.
so you can say i'm feeling cranky, irritable and "best left alone"
and a little emo.
i tend to do more random things at times like this, such as asking people out for Timbre last minute.
i promise i'll try to control my random-ness in the future, not in the near future.

"best left alone" me went home and got a earful.
i dun understand why i'm getting the earful because of my sibs' wrongdoings
i dun understand why i'm being blamed for "neglecting family life" despite being home the last full 3 weeks (except going school and once-in-a-while hangout)
i dun understand why my mum doesnt appreciate that i'm already trying my best by helping around in the house, being really goody-good, helping with groceries....
maybe its human nature - " when we get what we want, we expect more"
i'm really really tired of being unappreciated.

no mood to get down working on the new collection for collage scraps.
gotten myself some more embellishments, craft knife, craft punch today.

maybe i need to get to bed.
i'll be better tomorrow.
lets hope.

yay

i'm now done with exams!

shane and i were smiling to ourselves the whole time waiting for entry to the hall and the car trip home.
hahahaha.
and he suggested going timbre like now.
so steady luhh!
hahaha.

yea, i think i need a drink.

your news came so unexpected.
you didnt give me time to prepare myself.
now, i think i never want to see you again.
thank you for spoiling my mood.

Maybe

Maybe you were bored, needed some company
and i couldnt be there.

Maybe it was just a friendly gesture on your part
and there were others around anyway.

Maybe i was just being plain sensitive,
Anyway, you did plan us a separate date.

Maybe i'm just finding excuses for you,
and i've no idea why since i 'm not feeling.

Maybe thats what people always say,
whats gone is gone.

Maybe just maybe,
ours has never been everlasting.

Maybe thats why,
what never started will never linger for long.

Maybe memories are forsaken and forgotten on our part
May it be.

in prep of solitary days

there are some things which i really really want to overcome.
And if i ever successfully did, they will be good training in prep of solitary days i guess...

i'm trying hard not to need anyone.
i dun know why.
maybe i'm afraid of falling into the world of oblivion
and i've never let myself be totally dependent on anyone
because deepdown i'm afraid of being let down, forsaken, forgotten, left behind.
maybe thats why i'm afraid of commitment

talk to me about your insecurities.
and listen to mine.
we'll work things out, somehow


"Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone"

Planting Season

There's a time and season for everything.
Now, the planting season.
More haste less speed they say...
A test of endurance and patience.

I've set the seeds into the dirt
it's too late, cant be undone.
Watering it day by day, soon the sprouts will tell.

I've sowed the seeds,

this time i cant fail.

By hook or by crook, whatever it takes.

I've planted the seeds,

waiting for a bountiful harvest.

in hope of reaping fruits of labour this coming spring.

i-cant-think-of-a-title... exams frenzy?

i've just seen my schedule for this month again, this time with eyes wide opened.

here it goes...
i'm having 10-5 lectures consec for sat,sun,mon,tue,wed,thur....
so i've decided to blog this one last lengthy entry, and after which i would disappear till end of exams (that is 15th May)

i'm just worried at how i'm taking things so lightly.
there arent many days left till exams, and i've yet gotten back my prime momentum.
i know i can do it, but i need to get down and do it.
And it means not overlooking the nitty gritty details (which kills as proven in prelims)
And it means waking up in dreams to recall work, and falling asleep in the process and the cycle continues.

the best thing i've heard this week: it's never too late to start...
but i would gun down every single one who tell me that, that is if i could.
for this kills every little motivation i have to start working RIGHT NOW.

And at this exams-frenzy time...
i need to get well from the throat infection, and this means i need to get effective antibiotics from another doctor.
i need to stay away from specific people who have high tendencies of adversely affecting my mood. The bottom-line is... i dont need anything else to complicate matters.

i'm so glad that things went well on 1st april.
truly grateful for everyone who made it possible.

its ironic
part of me wants to stay away to keep this happiness "fairytalised".
part of me wants to see him soon to elevate this level of happiness (yet running a risk of him depressing me)
i often wished i can strike a balance in this.
but it seemed i'm not always in control.

All the best to me for tomorrow, and many more tomorrows in life.

lalalalalaallalalaa

you've no idea how happy you made me.
but i'll stay away, in case you hurt me.
as i need all the happy thoughts to keep me going.
at least till exams ended.

^^

i was just told that my math prelim answer booklet was lost.
SERIOUSLY, WHATS WRONG WITH THE SCHOOL.

The Memories Locked Away In A Forest Unknown

The Memories Locked Away In A Forest Unknown.

Clutching the heavy chest of memories well-hidden away from naked eyes
She took a walk to the far end.
The memories now rest eternally in this forest.
No one to tell, yet the oaks know it all...
Passing the lake she know so well,
She was so near, yet so far away...


Sat on a nearby rock, she saw her reflection in the waters.
Gently she let go of her grip, a pebble was released.
Forming little ripples on the undisturbed waters.
The ripples whispered ancient lullabies
Trying to coax her to dreamlands.

She arose from the lullaby
Enduring yet another tale
Dark skies, claps of thunder and rain for companionship
Streaks of lightning lit up roads ahead
The oaks are her only shelter.

She strayed in the quiet cold
Written a note and carefully placed it in her left pocket
The ebony raven cries as though it knew
The folded message wept his name
The night now sets forever.

Morning has broken, like the first morning.
The smell of dawn lingers on
Reminiscing the days, hand in hand, they walked down this path
Now, her eyes on his mute portrait
She wept and whispered "I know..."

She swore never to return again
As over troubled waters, memories soar.
And lips try to form the words "I miss us"
The oaks moaned as if they knew
From there, she cannot bid farewell.


Adapted from Opeth - Morningrise Album

Isolation Years (adapted from Opeth's)

Along the hallways of enchanted ebony
She sat alone in the serendipity, dressed in her favourite frock.
Struggled a weak smile as tears trickled down her forlorn face.
With her right hand, she wrote a letter.

The writing is honest
Cant forget the years she has lost.
In isolation, she talks about her love.
I know she's aching.

There is a certain detail on the letter.
An unintended stain left by the pen
Next to his name
It must have been a long pause
She knows he's gone.

Solitude is all that remains
Though she wanted her wish her way
Longing to rest eternally on the lovers' shore
With the right hand he used to hold, she swept her tears away.
"We're good" she uttered in spasmodic repetition, looking into the mirror.
I know i'm lying
We know we are done.


Adapted from Opeth's Isolation Years.

Silence

i kept quiet

maybe cuz i dont know how to react
maybe cuz i'm thinking of conversation topics
maybe cuz i have no idea how to continue the conversation
maybe cuz we've been through the days where we feel awkard not talking.
maybe cuz i'm feeling insecure

seriously there's nothing to worry when i kept quiet.
cuz its all about me.

Random RAmblings. - a break from poa

i guess it's my problem.
i need alot alot of security.
and i only trust what's familiar

Quoting Randy's msn nick: Circling around a cycle of friends

its ironic.
The way i guard myself against who's foreign.
as such, they'll never get to be familiar.

I wished i know how to deal with such situations.

An Early Valentine's Day Dedication To A Past Love, Now A Friend Forever

i used to think we were similar
such that it blinds me to see that what's truly obvious were our differences

But dont be mistaken
cuz i still love you
Just not the same way as before

There's one thing that will stay
we will still sit all day long
with flowers, sun, rain and moon
till death do us apart.

Like this my friend,
entwined lives, forever.

Nobody has to know.

Hide the smiles
Hide the tears
Hide the thoughts
Hide the feelings
Hide the worries
Hide the stress
Hide the happiness
Hide the depression
Hide the problems
Hide the solutions
Hide the plans
Hide the lies
Hide the truth
Hide the play
Hide the anxiety
Hide the guilt

---- cuz nobody has to know

emo-ness spread via blogs

Last holiday before Feb comes around.

blog-hopped while waiting for my video to load
and i realised, emo-ness can actually spread via blogs.
especially when you see your own shadow in their thoughts.

a particular phrase in a blog entry struck me.
"boyfriends come and go"
It reminds me of us. The very state we are in.
Maybe it is not that we didnt want to be committed
It is because we are afraid that we may not end up together and become hi-bye friends thereafter.
We've seen much.
Enough to lose faith in ourselves
Enough to lose confidence in the other half.
And concluded that nothing is worth-risking to jeopardise our current state.
Who knows, maybe one day you'll sing me Herr Mannelig.

i took the other way
hoping to drift away
didnt
hadnt
wouldnt

shucks

the once-forsaken
the once-forgiven
the once-forgotten

DUG UP.

reminded.
acted nonchalent.
sounded appeased.

fallen unknowingly.
into her arts of seduction.
step by step.
but who will resist?