enlightenment?

i've finally understood.
maybe it was God's decision that we shldnt hang out anymore.
an end to the prolonged tug-of-war.
that is why we gradually distant ourselves for the past 2 weeks.
no doubt i wrestle to come to terms in accepting.
lets not even stay as buddies.
This i know, is the best way out.

went shopping today...
not as a therapy or anything.
spent 50bucks on myself, 60 bucks on mum.
there goes two days pay.
but i must admit... it feels good.

It is getting dark again
Dusk shuffle across the fields
The evening trees moan as if they knew
At night I always dream of you
i will get over you.

ATYPICAL

some random feelings as days got lonely.
hahahas.


gone are the days we hangout as a group
meeting up over weekends just to chill
sitting around in the cafe doing work
walking in a big gang storming the malls.

we all got past the stage
where we need to seen in a group to feel belonged
where we would throw papers around the classroom
and got detentions together after school

we ought to have got used to the gradual changes in life
where you wake up in the morning meeting new friends
hanging out with new classmates
chatting on msn with newfound soulmates

there is just no one single person
who will always be there for the same reason
the same person who stayed by to hangout with on weekends
the same person who will always be there.

sometimes it feels rather sad.
the best friend walks out of your life
and that there is no single valid reason
just simply because with time you are being replaced.

Gathering came, just once or twice in a year
the only time you get to be with your clique again
chilling out and catching up
but it will not be soon before long

at the end of the day when it endsw
e waved goodbyes and we gave hugs
now to catch up, we need a reason
and this scene repeats year after year

i guess we just have to get used to this
as i said, no one is one's Best friend forever
they come and they go
back, but never the same as before

DECIDED

FINALLY~
reached a conclusion regarding my application.
in any way, I WILL PURSUE WHAT I WANT.
here it goes...

nus
1) Biz Ad 2) FASS 3) Real Estate 4) Science 5) Proj & Facil Mgmt

ntu
1) Biz Ad 2) Econs 3) Socio 4) Communication Studies

smu
1) Biz Mgmt 2) Econs 3) Accountancy

sim
1) Banking & Finance

so lets wait and see...
.
.
.
.
today i went to cut my hair (again)...
it looks like a bob. it looked lyk JAce's hair.
the shadow of the curls still haunt me though.
hahahas...


A lil late for resolutions, but who cares~

• i will learn to enjoy the feeling of being alone.
• i will learn to do things alone.
• i will learn to be happy being alone.
• i will learn to outgrow the habit of spending holidays and weekends with you.

settlement

i can never comprehend this...
whenever we got close enough... we drifted away...
and today, there was some intended/attempted efforts taken by him to lose the peace
i'm so tired these days...
this tug-of-war is draining my energy away...
and i wonder how long more i can take it...
just how long more i can pretend to be nonchalent...
just how long more i can be at peace with him and myself...
just how long more do i need to convince myself we can only stay as friends?


had a heartfelt conversation with man ning on the journey home from nus open house.
and finally... i've found another one who can totally understand what i've been through...
maybe i shouldnt try so hard for anything...
in pri sch, i had wanted to get into this particular sch, and i didnt make it because of a point difference...
in sec sch, i had wanted to get into this particular jc, and i didnt make it because of a point difference as well...
in jc, i had merely wanted to get into smu, and now it seemed even further away...
so tell me the moral of the story...

i once told a friend... the only time i will change my blog address is when i get pass a particular thing/incident/person. this blog has been here for as long as i had remembered. Even though every now and then, i delete blog entries... but there are some left, to stay... they serve as reminders, reminding me just how near i am to what i had wanted, motivating me to hang on... Living in self-denial... and sometimes i just love to self-inflict pain, emotionally...

lets settle this, once and for all,
one day, someday...

heartfelt

HABITUAL CONTAINMENT...
I'M FINDING A MEDIUM FOR EXPRESSION...

he knows me very well.
he can even sense the unhappiness in me despite the usual "publish your joys and conceal your tears" from me.
he really knows me very well... and he's the only one...
he had always hated nights out but yet, he initiated a meet up last sunday night.
the way he cooked up some kuku excuse to make me get out of my house.
he said he dun wan his weekend to end just like that, and he wants to hang out to breathe air.
lol. what kind of excuse is that?
didnt want to go out cuz wasnt in the right mood.
but it was cute, i gave in.
and i must admit, it touched my heart.
but still, he's not the medium for my expression...
the armoury on me is just far too much.

i dun know how we will go from here.
he say things like well, next time when i have a biz, i'm sure to rope you in.
then i said, yea sure i'll prolly invest in you and simply be a shareholder.
and whenever we pass by some really nice apartments...
he would say things lyk next time we'll buy the house here.
so am i supposed to take him seriously?

went nus today with man ning and yaqin...
was supposed to meet them at 1345... to give them a surprise, i reached at 1330...
but to my horror and horror, yaqin and man ning were still at BEDOK...
TSK.
lol. must be because yq is late...
saw cynthia/aaron/patricia/jenny/and many other mjc people...
open house was okay...
not very very impressed though...
more or less decided.
will apply by next week...

same here, i dun wan my weekend to end just like that without you.

Incubus - Drive

Crowned as Fav Song for week 03/03/08 to 09/03/08:
Incubus - Drive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zN9vd9WUiA

not exactly a new song, it gives me a very laidback sunday feel.
Go listen!

NA

chatted long enough with dad last night... from 1am...
told him my realisation that i may never get to fulfill my dream in getting into the faculty of my choice.
and i had actually told him about my possibility of having to go into a private uni.
it wasnt anyone's fault, but it could be mine.
i tried my best. But the best werent good enough...
Giving all doesnt translate into well-deserved success.
i wasnt exactly upset over the results.
i was just feeling very down cuz there isnt a slight glimpse of hope or possibility that i may ever get what i want in where i want.
NOT A SINGLE TEENY WEENY CHANCE.

i can still get into a uni, at least i feel there's no problem about that.
but i risk doing something unfruitful, something i dislike.
something lyk Bach Degree in Psychology where i dun see myself being a psychologist.
something lyk Bach Degree in History where i dun see a likelihood of an assured career path.
something lyk Bach Degree in Engineering where i might even give up halfway.

so after the chat, i sat on my bed and looked at myself in the mirror.
and i couldnt suppress the habitual containment of tears and disappointment anymore.

let loose

i know everyone is waiting for this blog entry...
received the results yesterday...
well-expected, so felt kinda okay...
i wouldnt say i'm very satisfied with the results, neither would i say i'm unhappy over the results...
results were about average.
went open house hopping today...

thank you Lord for being there keeping me strong in my trust in You.
thank you Lord for never failing me.

will be going to Riverlife tmr for service with man ning...
and perhaps after that with yaqin and some other people for movies...

i need someone to talk to now.
and where are you?
it's tiresome to contain the tears of disappointment and fear.
it's tiresome to feign that i'm fine and happy.
but i can only cry in your presence.
and only you have the ability to let me cry out and encourage me thereafter.
so where are you?

so i've heard...
GCE A LEVELS is out this friday... students can collect after 1430 that day...


and lately, i found much joy in self-inflicted heartache...
it's really about time to move on...

could have ended up quarelling ytd...
he was saying how the song reminds him of those memories he had with she-who-must-named...
he sure knows the way to upset me...
why did i fall for it again?
and why did i have to react to his trick?
why did i have to say "delete the song"
and why did i have to piss him off at the same time, by telling him about what he-who-must-not-be-named?
we ended up pissing each other off, but feigning that we cant be borthered...
why do we always have to do this?
why do we always have to test each other out?


okays. back to normal...

went to PArty World KTV with the colleagues...
lol man, they were crazy... wall i am too though...
hanged ard there till about 11pm...
cabbed home...